“We Can’t Do This”

I remember you telling me so many times that our relationship was eating you up inside. It was one of the reasons you told on yourself at work. At the time I understood, but couldn’t relate to that feeling.  How was it possible that something that felt so good, something that had the power to make the rest of the world fade into a blurry background, something that fit so perfectly could eat away at you?

I relate to it now. It’s the reason I cry when we’re together.

I’ve told you a million times that I have never wanted anything or anyone as much as I want you.  I have given you more of me than I ever dreamed I could give anyone.  You, my sweet and wonderful George, are where I feel most at home and most safe.

The irony is that this relationship between us scares me more than just about anything else on earth.  A few items on the list of things that scare me:

  • hoping for a future with you
  • having my heart broken again
  • doing things wrong in our relationship again
  • making you mad
  • losing you all over again – because it’s happened twice and I didn’t do well for a long time after either
  • giving this 100% and still having it fail
  • trusting you
  • not trusting you
  • you not trusting me
  • not being on the same page
  • our wants not aligning

Despite the fear, I haven’t disappeared.  I still seek you out.  I still want to be close to you.  I still write to you here. Being close to you is better than being away from you.  Ironically, I’m afraid of this and yet I rush headfirst into it.  I want to run to you because I want to share everything with you and yet you are what I am afraid of.  You have the power to destroy me over and over again.

I think about who I was before we got together – so strong and confident – and I’m not that girl anymore.  I look into your eyes and I cry.  I think about being in the moment and I cry.  We are all the sum total of our experiences and a year and a half of crying and breaking up wore me down; all this time of wanting you so, so much depleted my reserves.

My head hates gray and it says, “We can’t do this,” all the time.  My heart shuts it up with the same reply every time, “I can’t not have him in my life.” You said today that I put us back in the gray and to some extent I did. But you did too. You agreed to go to lunch with me. You agreed to come home with me after. We arrived in the gray together. Together. I love that word as it relates to us. And as a result of what we did together, I’m happier in some ways and so much more sad in others.

I’m happy because I don’t have anxiety about going to work.  I look forward to seeing you. We have positive interactions now.  You make me smile.  I make your heart skip a beat. I get to put my arms around you.  I can kiss you again.  I have the piece of me that was missing for the last four months back.

I’m sad because I still can’t have you.  You are still someone else’s husband and it’s not changing. I have to be in the moment because I don’t know when I’ll get another moment. You don’t trust me and there is nothing I can come up with to prove to you that I’m neither a liar nor a slut.  You won’t share with me because you don’t want to.  We are no better off than we were before.

EDIT: I deleted the last paragraph. It was too real. Too honest. If you saw it and are wondering why it’s gone now, that’s why.  It was entirely too close to my heart.

3 AM

It’s been a long time since I have been awake at this hour. One of the small victories I celebrated a couple months ago was that I didn’t wake up at 3 AM anymore.  For weeks surrounding the court stuff I would wake up every night around this time with my mind unable to rest.  Thoughts of you and CF flooded my brain, monopolized my dreams and my waking moments.  But that was then.  I have been sleeping through the night without the assistance of any sleep aid for a while now. In fact, before today the last time I took Valium was before court.  Almost three months ago.  Not bad for a girl who used to pop it like candy, right?

I wonder if you had come to spend the night tonight if I would have woken up and stayed awake.  I suspect I would have. My mind is racing.  I can’t stop thinking about the parasite situation.  Betrayal gnaws away at the pit of my stomach as my mind races to make sense of it all.  I’m questioning everything now.  Not the validity of the parasites – that belongs to you – but what was real between us.  You said that when we were together you didn’t think about your doubt and all I can think about is how our relationship essentially was founded on a secret that you kept from me the entire time we were together.  There was this third party present in our relationship the whole time and I was never even aware.

Every time we went to Flying Star together – it was there.

The day you and I sat on my mom’s couch at their old house and talked about your past – it was there.

Our trip to Phoenix – it was there.

Gruncle Ernie’s birthday party where you met my entire family – it was there.

When I introduced you to all my friends – it was there.

Every time we kissed, every time we made love – it was there.

Every night you spent here in bed next to me – it was there.

Every time you took a test and I didn’t know about it – it was there.

I understand it so much better now.  It’s why our travel plans never worked out.  It’s why you never let me spend time with your family. It’s why you hated me so much in so many moments. It’s why no matter what I did, no matter how much I loved you, it was never enough.

Doubt is an insidious thing that can destroy relationships. It creeps in slowly and unravels everything until there’s nothing left but tattered strings.  For a year and a half you sat on a secret that we could have talked about before it ruined us. I’m not blaming you.  I’m wide awake in the middle of the night trying to understand why you would talk to me about everything else, but never that.  Why you would take a test every single month, hold onto the results, marinate in doubt, and come back to me, but never talk about it.

3 AM is a terrible time to be awake. It’s too close to the time I wake up for me to take Valium to quiet my mind and it’s too far away from morning to get anything productive done.  I suppose I should put the spoons back in the fridge.  It’s going to be a long night…

Burgers > Salads

Today was not what I expected it would be.  When I went to see you this morning I really just went to say hi. I could see something was on your mind when I walked in. I tried to keep things light between us and I was genuinely happy to be in your presence, but that goes without saying…

I left your office and you were on my mind the whole morning. When I went for my walk and I got to that place on the bridge where we would always stop for a kiss, I smiled at the memory.  I walk that same path almost every day because it reminds me of you. Some days it makes me so angry with you and other days it makes me smile. It’s a “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” kind of thing.

I skyped with Liz a little bit…I was thinking about her wedding and that led me down a rabbit hole thinking about the weddings that have happened in the last six months.  It made me sad because of all the weddings, none of them were ours.  I realized as I went to all of these weddings for my friends and for my cousins that I didn’t care who was at our wedding, what I wore, what you wore, where it happened…I just wanted you beside me. Every day for the rest of your life (because it’s almost guaranteed I will outlive you – I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I’m working on not being a fatty so my risk for heart disease and diabetes is down); I just wanted the ring on your finger to be the one I put there.

You were sad this morning and I innately wanted to put my arms around you and tell you it was going to be okay, that you would feel better soon, and, to be honest, to make you feel loved because what better place is there to be when you feel bad than in the arms of the person who loves you with their whole heart unconditionally?

When we started talking about lunch, I knew we would go together. I’m sure you did too. We skirted the issue until finally I made the offer to go together.  I expected you to say no because that would be the responsible thing to do and I was so happy you said yes.

I sat across from you at lunch and I wanted to be next to you.  I have a confession…I’ve forgotten which side I’m supposed to sit on.  I think it’s the right, but it’s been so long.  Being to your left when we walked in was weird and that’s what led me to believe I should have been to the right, but that didn’t feel right either.  All I know for certain is that sitting across from you was just plain wrong.  Here’s a share: I loved sharing fry sauce with you.  I don’t know why it was such a big deal to me, but it was and it made me really, really happy. I loved that we laughed at lunch.  It wasn’t us being guarded or the conversation dropping off because of tension; it was us.  And it felt familiar and wonderful.

On the subject of familiarity, there was something familiar about you today. Something I haven’t seen in a really long time. I liked it and I was drawn to it.  I could have stayed in that booth all day.

When we got to the car, I was still happy and then you said something that made me cry.  From that point forward nearly everything you said was something in my heart and I cried because I don’t want us to be the same person now, but I can’t deny that we are.  I don’t want us to be the same person because if we are, then everything I’ve worked on in therapy for the last three months has been a lie. I’ve been lying to myself when I say I’m over you, I don’t want this relationship, and I am moving on. The truth is that I have rarely even checked my dating profile because I don’t want anyone else.  I just want you. You’re my puzzle piece, George.  Try as I may to deny it or convince myself otherwise, we are two halves that found each other and fit perfectly to make a whole. I’ve said it a million times, but it bears repeating – there is nothing that life could throw at us that I don’t believe we could overcome.

Well, except two things.

  1. The parasite discrepancy. I’m still processing this and feel we will need to revisit it later.
  2. Crazy Face. I will never share you with her again. Ever.  Until she is not in your life – and I mean in any way…not she’s your paddling buddy, she’s your symphony companion, she’s someone you want to help out…nada – I can’t be in your life.

But the reality is that #2 is largely dependent on #1 if I understood you correctly and since there is no way that I can think of to prove the validity of #1, it seems to me there is no potential for anything.

You know me so well…you knew that as soon as I put my head on your shoulder I was going to cry. How did you know that?? Sorcery! But seriously – I didn’t always cry when I put my head there in the past. Sigh. I’m sorry I cry so much and that when I start I can’t stop.

You kissed me and at first I felt nothing because I made myself feel nothing, but I couldn’t fight it. I had no reserves.  I loved kissing you. Every kiss made me want more.  Being close to you made me want those moments to never end. Why does time always go so fast when we’re together?

I have no idea how on earth you put up with someone as emotional as I am for all those months.  I wore myself out with all the tears I shed, I can only imagine how lousy it was to be an observer of the pair of waterfalls that came from my eyes every time we fought. Part of why I cried so much today is that I have kept all of those feelings bottled up inside me for so long.  I haven’t shared the truth with anyone. I surround myself with people who confirm that I’m basically over you, but I come home and I see your toothbrush in my bathroom and it calls me on my lie.  If I were over you, I could have gotten rid of it a long time ago. (Side note: one of these days if it occurs to you, please remind me to tell you what I learned in therapy about the significance of your toothbrush, but do it at a time when I’m not at work because that is guaranteed to make me cry.)

I love you. I have spent months trying to fight it, to deny it, to flip the switch and I can’t.  I resigned myself to the fact that I will likely spend the rest of my life alone because I can’t imagine ever connecting to anyone the way you and I connected.  I can’t imagine loving anyone the way I love you.  I can’t imagine wanting to be in anyone else’s arms ever again.  So I have this dating profile that I rarely check and every single guy is not a guy I’m interested in because he’s not you. But I can’t have you.  I’ve never been able to have you for obvious reasons.  You are still married and even if you weren’t we have a seemingly insurmountable issue on our hands: lack of trust on both sides.  We can’t address the trust part while CF is still in the picture, I know that for certain. And I don’t want to be your friend because I don’t know how to be your friend… I only know how to be the girl who loves you with all her heart and soul and wants to spend her life velcroed to you.

So today was wonderful in every way (even the crying bits to some extent) and yet nothing has changed. The reality of that makes me cry and I retract my previous statement…the crying bits were not wonderful and they’re not wonderful now either, mostly because I don’t have my favorite shoulder to cry on.

What You See…

Perhaps the question is not what is wrong with you, rather why you are obsessively checking this space.

Is it that you want to be connected and this is how you connect to me now?

Are you holding onto this little bit of recent conversation after two months of no communication? Do you worry I will make everything posted here disappear again and I will go with it?

Is it like Columbus Day when you said you didn’t know why you took me sailing other than you wanted my attention? Are you looking for my attention now?

Is it your way of looking for more information? Answers? Insight?

These are questions I cannot answer for you. In one of your comments you said that you were on the back roads full of contemplation and questions. Were these questions for me? Questions for you? A little of both? If the first or the last, then perhaps I can provide answers to those questions.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you coming here even if it is, in your opinion, obsessively. I will share this little fact: though I don’t publicly publish every blog post, lately I come write to you multiple times a day and then mark them as private. They’re messages to you, but for me. You were right (as you so frequently are): this is probably the best place for you to come to find out what my mental state is because this is where I write everything I’m feeling…the thing is that unless you are a blog administrator or you have my password, you see only a selection of messages and probably none of them reveal my most vulnerable and intimate thoughts.  Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain…

I don’t know where your travels find you. I don’t know when or if we will sit down to talk. I do know that you have my phone number and email address and yet we are still communicating here. Why do you suppose that is?

 

Misma

I wonder who comes here more often lately, you or me.

I wonder if we’re ever here at the same time.

I wonder if we’re both looking for the same thing.

Remember when we used to be the same person?

2 Peas

I’ve thought about it and yes, I would like to talk and get answers to some of the whys and unanswered questions.

My requests:

  • Face to face conversation
  • Away from work
  • Quiet/private space free of distractions
  • Sooner rather than later

If you are amenable, please let me know.