This was a groundbreaking weekend for me. I made so much progress on my thought processes where you and I are concerned.
The issue of honesty keeps coming up and I know it’s because I have a lot of unresolved stuff floating around my head about The Truth. I mentioned in a previous post that I have been conditioned to keep you happy because when you are unhappy, you take away what I want most – to spend time with you.
As I explored our history looking for a pattern, I found that the consistent exception I make to keeping you happy is where honesty is concerned. I have regularly shared the uncomfortable truths that, if conditioning had properly worked, I would have kept from you because they would make you unhappy.
Example: Telling you about the DC guy asking me on a date.
From my perspective, I was more concerned with transparency than what I suspected would be a setback in our already strained relationship. Telling you was a choice I made consciously and it’s not one I regret. You told me you want to know the truth moving forward and the best way I can help you know the truth is to tell you when something like this comes up. I never want you to question why I do what I do.
I still wrestle with your irrefutable evidence that there is no way we could have had a parasite because I have my own evidence that we did. Twice. There are certainly variables that I can’t prove including hooking up with some other dude or making the whole thing up. The thing is that the first parasite happened before The Pause so I had literally no motivation to fabricate that story at that time – everything was still fun and easy at that point, so why add a complicating factor to something that is fun and easy? Had Parasite 1 come to be, a simple DNA test would have established that you contributed to its genetic makeup, but it didn’t so moot point. Parasite 2 happened at an equally inopportune time in our relationship as we were at the other end of the spectrum – stressed, unhappy, unsettled. Adding another complication to that would certainly not provide the resolution (to resume a happy and settled place in the relationship) I was seeking. I can’t tell you to the day the last time I had sex before you and I got together, but I can tell you it was the Saturday night of one of the Coachella weekends in 2012. You and I got together in 2015. It was 3 and a half years between that ex-boyfriend and you, and The Boy and I had been dating 5 months before you and I went sailing and he and I didn’t even kiss in that time so clearly I wasn’t out sleeping around with anyone who happened across my path. If I wasn’t doing it then, I wouldn’t have started in the more recent future. And for what it’s worth, I haven’t slept with anyone other than you since we broke up. From February 17 to June 19…four months and two days…I had no desire to have sex and I would venture to say I still wouldn’t want it if we hadn’t reconnected. To be clear – I think if the opportunity to have sex with you would have presented itself, my body would have been very happy, but my brain was not in it because there was no chance we would be together again… or so I thought.
When I look at the info contained in the above paragraph, I am so endlessly frustrated that something outside of my control caused you to doubt me and has created this huge trust gap in our relationship. How do I rebuild trust on something I didn’t do anything to break? It really has caused a two-way gap because you kept it from me for a year and a half. You let it get between us over and over again and I had no idea so it makes me question now what else you’re keeping from me…
…and I think that’s why it’s so important for me to be transparent with you because of your lie of omission doing such damage to us. I’m not going to be responsible for that. I want this too much to not try to protect what’s left of our relationship.
That last sentence was hard for me. I have spent so much time fighting how I feel, telling myself and everyone around that I don’t want it anymore, convincing myself that you and I are wrong for reach other. Your heart jumped when you saw me this morning and you took my breath away. We have a million challenges and the mountain of problems seem insurmountable, but I have been telling you forever that there’s nothing that I don’t think we can handle together. You don’t seem to want to do this together…so I’m stuck. I want to make a move, but the only move I have is away from you and I have no real desire to do that. Your move.