Four Years

If you have known that your marriage is over for four years, why haven’t you gotten divorced?  I could make up a few reasons why you would have stayed then:

  1. She’s a manipulative victim and you felt guilty about leaving her
  2. You didn’t want to be alone (ironically you were already alone because she was gone all the time)
  3. You didn’t want the change
  4. You didn’t want another failed marriage

I didn’t know before today (or if I did, had completely forgotten) that you knew the marriage was over 4 years ago. I thought you were trying to figure that out one year nine months and five days ago.  That four year statement was jarring to me.  Almost as jarring as you saying you’re addicted to me, but we’ll get to that later.

Four years of knowing that you didn’t want to be married to someone and you did nothing to change it. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. You filed separation papers one year three months and two days ago. You are still separated but not divorced.

You have told me so many times you don’t want to be married to her anymore. I told you today that I don’t believe you will ever divorce her.  I have never spoken those words to you and meant them more than I did today.  It’s more of that “I’m never going to be anything but 100% honest with you from this point forward” thing I’m doing.  I don’t believe you will divorce her. I don’t believe you will ever not be in contact with her. And that reality is what moves me a step away from you.

You asked me today why I haven’t disconnected yet and I started to tell you, but you were more focused on the time it would take us to get back to work. I’m not going to tell you here. If you want to know, you can ask. I don’t imagine you will though. You have enough to think about without factoring in what I’m thinking. Besides you don’t even come here anymore so I’m mostly just writing for myself.

So back to that addicted thing.. you’re in AA because you believe you’re addicted to alcohol.  Maybe you are. I don’t know… I don’t think so though, but that’s not for me to decide. You go to multiple meetings a day sometimes. Why? Because you have a lot of cravings for alcohol and you are focusing on daily sobriety. When do you start working on your sobriety from me? You said that wasn’t what you meant, but you never said that you weren’t going to quit me like you quit drinking. And that moves me another step away from you.

Don’t confuse these steps as me leaving or not wanting to be with you.  I still want you, I just don’t know if I am willing to wait forever for a chance when the odds are stacked against me.  You wouldn’t divorce CF four years ago.  You wouldn’t divorce her a year and nine months ago.  You wouldn’t divorce her a year and three months ago.  You are no closer today than you were at any point before.  I have to prepare myself mentally to leave you and any hope for a future with you behind.  You are at the precipice of a huge life change…you still have to get to where I am and then we have to figure out if we can move forward. Do you know how much time that will take? I’m not sure I’m willing to give up that much of my life for something that has zero guarantee. That’s all conjecture though – all that really matters is that like your journey in AA, I am taking this one day at a time and today, 7/17/17, I’m still here.

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