You always tell me “don’t forget”
I’m struggling with this. I tell you don’t forget and you tell me you don’t forget… but you were in your head about me and my intentions about telling you that the DC guy asked me out.
If you don’t forget that I love you, why do you think I would want to upset the balance I have been trying to find?
If you don’t forget that I love you, why did you think I was trying to make you jealous or force you to make a move (I don’t even know what you mean by that BTW)?
There is no payoff for me to try to manipulate you into doing anything. When you are in your head about things, you take away what I want – you. I end up suffering when you’re not in a good head space whether it’s about me or anything else. I have learned and been conditioned to always be running interference so that I can do my best to keep you happy because if you’re happy, I get to spend time with you. The reward for me is that if I go along with whatever you want, if I relinquish all control, then there’s a chance I get what I want… even if just for a day or two before we start the cycle over.
If you don’t forget that I love you, why is it so easy for you to think the worst of me, to think that my intentions are nefarious, to think that I am trying to be anything but 100% honest with you because we’re supposed to be working on rebuilding trust?
The difference between you and I is that I have demonstrated to you time and again that I love you unconditionally. You have hurt me more than anyone ever has in my whole life. I have cried millions of tears over you and this relationship. I have never stopped encouraging you to do what’s best for you even when it’s not what’s best for me. I tell you I love you all the time. I show you I love you all the time. I still come here to write to you so you know a little bit about what’s going on in my head despite the fact that you disappear from me routinely and leave me in the dark guessing and wondering what’s happening in your head.
There hasn’t been equality or balance in this relationship for so long. I should have left a dozen times. I didn’t. I never quit. I never gave up on you. A million times you have pushed me away and I have stayed right here. What does that tell you??